( March, 2002 Volume 2 No.3 )

People have always had addictions. The newest, for city folk at least, is probably the most insidious. That's right. It's the ever-present, disarmingly innocuous Internet. So how do you tell if you are one of those unfortunates who has fallen victim to this worldwide phenomenon? Here are some tips to help you tell. Remember-if you find you suffer from more than five of these, you are probably in serious need of help!

1. You wake up at 3am to go to the bathroom-and decide to just quickly check your email on the way back to bed.
2. You have a tattoo that reads “this body is best viewed with Navigator 1.1 or higher”.
3. You name your children Eudora, Mozillia and Dotcom.
4. You turn off your modem and suddenly feel an awful empty feeling inside like you just pulled the plug on a loved one.
5. You spend half a plane trip with your laptop on your lap...and your child in the overhead compartment.
6. You decide to stay in school for an extra year or two-after all, there's free Internet access there.
7. You laugh sarcastically at people with 9600-baud modems.
8. You start using "smileys" in your snail mail.
9. Your hard drive crashes. You haven't logged in for two hours. You start to twitch. You pick up the phone and manually dial your ISP's access number. You try to hum to communicate with the modem...and you think you have succeeded. It makes you feel a lot better about things, anyway.
10. All your documents contain words ending with dot com, like
11.You start introducing yourself as JohnDoe at AOL dot com.
12. All of your friends have an @ in their names.
13. Your cat has a home page.
14. You stop calling your mother she doesn't have a modem.
15. You check your mail. It says 'no new messages' so you check it again.
16. Your phone bill comes to your doorstep in a box.
17. You don't know what sex three of your closest friends are, because they have neutral nicknames and you haven't bothered to ask.
18. You move into a new house and decide to Netscape before you landscape.
19. You tell motodops who think they know your house that your new street address is actually at http://1000.phnom.penh/apartment/brick.html and are frustrated when they don't know what you are talking about.
20. You start tilting your head sideways to smile.